Hello, Bombshell

That’s what the ad said
so I figured why not?
Why not me?

It’s four days before Christmas.
Kierland Commons is infested with
desperate shoppers.
I find a parking spot.
I walk into Victoria’s Secret.

The store is stuffed.
I look around.
Victoria looks a lot like
Frederick’s of Hollywood these days.

”Sexy little no-shows for less”
taunts one table.
“Fun and flirty underthings”
shrieks another.
I saunter over to the Sleepwear Section.

I fondle a few of the babydoll nighties
hanging on the rack.
I glance at a red satin bustier.
A leopard skin teddy lures me over.
I wonder who will buy the lace slip with garters.

On to the panty tables.
There are bikinis, boyshorts, briefs,
cheekies, hip huggers, thongs,
V-strings, garters and no lines.

The panty names are beyond fabulous:
Cheeky curved Hem Hipster, Jeweled V-string,
Peek-a-boo Garter Thong, Brazilian String Bikini,
Nicki the Magical Knicker,
and Fishnet Lace-up Cheeky Panty.

But I didn’t come here to buy panties.
It’s bras I’m after. Bombshell bras.
I’m here to find the new miraculous TM
push-up bra that adds two full cup sizes
for maximum cleavage.

I charge over to the bra counter.
As I wait for assistance,
I glance into a glass case labeled
Shapewear and Adhesives.
In the case are clear, gelatinous pouches
of …… what?
Saltwater? Silly putty? Jello?
There are shaping inserts, invisible uplift shapers,
invisible demi-bras, gel inserts, and
gel petals.

Collectively known as “chicken cutlets,” these
little marvels have been used by super models
for years. Now, at last,
they are available to the rest of us.

A frantic sales associate puffs over to me.
“How can I help?” she asks.
“I’m here to try on the new Miraculous Push-up Bra,”
I retort. “The one with twinned adjustable straps that
can also be worn halter or racerback. The bra that
sports underwire cups and is padded for ultimate lift:
Level 5.”

In the privacy of the dressing room,
I gaze at myself in the mirror.
A low whistle of appreciation escapes my lips.
“Hello, Bombshell.”